Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you
Since you’ve been gone
I can’t eat
Can’t sleep
Nothing is right without you
Can’t go on living
I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic
Life without you is real and I can’t stand it
No one understands it
Can’t weather this storm
Can’t do this no more
How could God close the door
On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this
As a fact of life
Or something right
Or one of God’s lessons
I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending
That you’re still here
Somewhere
Enjoying what was left
But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty
That I didn’t do more before you left me
But life is tricky
We know too little too late
Life is devoured before the taste
And before I know it
You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you
So here it is…
How am I supposed to tell my kids
…about you?
How can they ever know me without you?
I’m everything I am
Because of everything you were
I hate who I’ve become without you
Who's supposed to remind you of who you are
When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable
The void you left is impossible
Now I lay hostage to your absence
No time
No rhyme or reason
Can stop this bleeding  
Or the pain from you leaving
Can’t stop the burn
I’ll never learn
To live without you
I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…
I’m forcing myself to write about you
Because since you’ve been gone
The nights are too long
The days are a fight
Can’t eat
Can’t sleep
Nothing is right without you
Can’t go on living
I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending
There’s no silver lining
All wounds don’t heal with time and
This is a burden I’ll carry with me
All of your sacrifice to make us happy
We never fully appreciate
What we have til it’s too late
Now that you’re gone
The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me
Live on in your memory