Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic

Life without you is real and I can’t stand it

No one understands it

Can’t weather this storm

Can’t do this no more

How could God close the door

On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this

As a fact of life

Or something right

Or one of God’s lessons

I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending

That you’re still here

Somewhere

Enjoying what was left

But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty

That I didn’t do more before you left me

But life is tricky

We know too little too late

Life is devoured before the taste

And before I know it

You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you

So here it is…

How am I supposed to tell my kids

…about you?

How can they ever know me without you?

I’m everything I am

Because of everything you were

I hate who I’ve become without you

Who's supposed to remind you of who you are

When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable

The void you left is impossible

Now I lay hostage to your absence

No time

No rhyme or reason

Can stop this bleeding  

Or the pain from you leaving

Can’t stop the burn

I’ll never learn

To live without you

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Because since you’ve been gone

The nights are too long

The days are a fight

Can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending

There’s no silver lining

All wounds don’t heal with time and

This is a burden I’ll carry with me

All of your sacrifice to make us happy

We never fully appreciate

What we have til it’s too late

Now that you’re gone

The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me

Live on in your memory

Untitled

March 2, 2006

If I could float on my dreams like clouds,
I would disappear to a place in the distance, way up there
Where days don’t begin without sunlight and nights don’t end without resolution
If I could, I would fly away and pack all of my problems into one day
Then erase that day off of the calendar
Like the 30th of February
If I could, Id marry destiny and convince him to fly away with me
To that place in the sky
Where dreams exist
And the world would thank me because of this
If I could…

She abandoned me....15 years, 10 days, 16 hours and 25 minutes ago, she abandoned me. I daydream of days where I don’t feel locked away by cages, raping me of my humanity…how could she abandon me? It’s gonna take some time they said. It’s gonna take some time to forget her. But how could I forget the woman who breathed life into my soul, made me whole like knowledge makes the mind? But I allowed myself to believe that in time, she’d come back. If I just kept holding on, like songs that drag on for too long. And the truth is that I’m angry. How could she abandon me?! How could she be witness to eyes that she once prized? Dark skin, small waist, big ass, thick thighs...just like mommy’s. And she lied when she said I was her everything, heard birds sing when she was around me. Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be, couldn’t live without me. Said everything she did would be about me. But then she gave up way too soon and sought another route without me. “Its not your fault,” she said; as she held the shot gun to her head, one shot to her brain, and now mommy is dead. I was only six and saw life flash before me way too quick. She couldn’t cope with nowhere to go. She was a drug addict, addicted to dope. So she died at 22, what a tragedy…and left me here to carry the burden of the world. How could she abandon me?