Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic

Life without you is real and I can’t stand it

No one understands it

Can’t weather this storm

Can’t do this no more

How could God close the door

On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this

As a fact of life

Or something right

Or one of God’s lessons

I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending

That you’re still here

Somewhere

Enjoying what was left

But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty

That I didn’t do more before you left me

But life is tricky

We know too little too late

Life is devoured before the taste

And before I know it

You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you

So here it is…

How am I supposed to tell my kids

…about you?

How can they ever know me without you?

I’m everything I am

Because of everything you were

I hate who I’ve become without you

Who's supposed to remind you of who you are

When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable

The void you left is impossible

Now I lay hostage to your absence

No time

No rhyme or reason

Can stop this bleeding  

Or the pain from you leaving

Can’t stop the burn

I’ll never learn

To live without you

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Because since you’ve been gone

The nights are too long

The days are a fight

Can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending

There’s no silver lining

All wounds don’t heal with time and

This is a burden I’ll carry with me

All of your sacrifice to make us happy

We never fully appreciate

What we have til it’s too late

Now that you’re gone

The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me

Live on in your memory

A Father’s Love

Dad,
I brought you these gifts
After all, they did start out as yours
A heart that has grown cold
Broken promises wrapped in gold
Lies
Just as they were told
And tears, 25 years old

Maybe I was too young
Or just too dumb to fully understand the significance of your absence
I knew it felt like loneliness
Like abandonment
Like the pieces of my heart that I had been missing weren’t worth filling with anyone but you
…and I was right.

Twenty five years later, nothing’s changed
I’m still the same
…Daddy’s little girl you left behind
Even time couldn’t tame this desire
This yearn for you

Love only leaves me loveless
Like an empty cup filled with air
The cup is still empty
And the vacancy’s still there.

There are plenty of guys who would love to make me theirs
But I don’t want them
I cling longingly to those who would rather hurt me than love me
Who’d rather fuck her than fuck me
I search for all of the men who are just like my daddy

Don’t you know I cried for you?!
It hurt bad!
I still cry at the remembrance of a six year old CHILD who couldn’t understand why daddy wouldn’t stay
Was never there to wipe away tears
Or chase away fears
Calm bad dreams
Or hear loud screams

Daddy, you were never there to protect me and I hated you for it
For so long that hate bred solitude
And now I live alone in my despair

Who cares, right?
There’s plenty of little girls that grow up daddy-less
Plenty of single moms who have to work 2-3 jobs in order to put clothes on their kid’s backs
Plenty of strong, Black women who have to make up for where men lack

But not me…
I was supposed to be different
I was daddy’s little girl
And nothing else in the world mattered because at the end of the day, I knew that my daddy loved me

But I was wrong
As wrong then as I am now
And nothing can ever change this pain that lives inside of me
It won’t go away
It dictates how I love him
How I long for his love more than life
Need to make him fight for me, want me, promise me he’ll never leave me
…and when he does
Just because I can, I’ll blame it all on daddy.

I’m tired of blaming myself
I’m not pretty enough
Thick enough
Smart enough
Too dark
Too depressed

Unlovable

YOU made me this way
Made me feel worthless
Like I wasn’t worth the stay
Worth the fight
And I’ll be alright
I’m sure

But just one more gift before you go
Here, you can take the guilt
I don’t want it anymore.

Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy