New Book!

I would like to proudly announce that I have finally completed my first full-length poetry book!!! Since I was 9 years old, I have had dreams of being a poet, a writer, a performer...and an author. It is with a heavy heart that I'm publishing my first book in the absence of both my mother and my sister, two people who have motivated and shaped my drive and perseverance. In all realness, my accomplishments don't mean the same without them here to share this beautiful moment with...but it is in honor of their lives that I share my inner most passion with the rest of the world.

This book is not a "happy" book about freedom; it's a book about the realities of struggle and resistance and revolution because the struggle continues for those of us still fighting for liberation and I refuse to tell the "romanticized" version of our experiences. I hope that the messages ring true to those who share the experiences and shed light for those who don't.

Here's how you order one!!!!

Amazon: http://amzn.com/1499709161
Kindle: http://amzn.com/B00PSS3V14
My website: http://akaladyrose.wix.com/lady-rose
Email me directly: akaLadyRose@gmail.com

Please let me know if you have trouble using any of the links.

Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic

Life without you is real and I can’t stand it

No one understands it

Can’t weather this storm

Can’t do this no more

How could God close the door

On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this

As a fact of life

Or something right

Or one of God’s lessons

I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending

That you’re still here

Somewhere

Enjoying what was left

But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty

That I didn’t do more before you left me

But life is tricky

We know too little too late

Life is devoured before the taste

And before I know it

You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you

So here it is…

How am I supposed to tell my kids

…about you?

How can they ever know me without you?

I’m everything I am

Because of everything you were

I hate who I’ve become without you

Who's supposed to remind you of who you are

When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable

The void you left is impossible

Now I lay hostage to your absence

No time

No rhyme or reason

Can stop this bleeding  

Or the pain from you leaving

Can’t stop the burn

I’ll never learn

To live without you

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Because since you’ve been gone

The nights are too long

The days are a fight

Can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending

There’s no silver lining

All wounds don’t heal with time and

This is a burden I’ll carry with me

All of your sacrifice to make us happy

We never fully appreciate

What we have til it’s too late

Now that you’re gone

The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me

Live on in your memory

When All Is Said And Done...

I know it feels like the world is over

Like your heart can't get no colder

And you're caving in from all of that weight on your shoulders

But I swear to you

There's more to life than this

There has to be

Because if there's no more left for you, that means there's no more left for me…

If you can't find the strength to do it for yourself

Do it for the souls that missed out and lives lost

Do it because you living will keep their memories alive the most

You have to shine

Have to be someone else's life line

Because God gives more to those that can hold it

And a blessing is only borrowed until you do the work to own it

So keep fighting

Keep trying

Keep pushing

Keep surviving

While the rest of the world is gasping for air, be the deep breath that revives it

Reach deep inside to the core of you

See what it is I see when I'm adoring you

When everyone else has given up I still see the joy in you

It's your smile that lasts way longer than your troubles do

You gotta believe you are the reason

You are the exception, the world is the test but you are the lesson

They say the good die young

God must be saving the rest then

Because He left us with a job to do and it's for greatness that we're destined

Jesus didn't know the price was paid until souls were saved

So in the name of souls that were laid

After condolences are paid and closing remarks are made

After everything is said and done

God knew there would be night, that's why He gave us the sun...

Assimilation

They forced me to give up my language,
And I did.
I couldn't understand them anyway.
They forced me to give up my food,
And I did.
The ground couldn't harvest my crops here anyway.
They forced me to give up my clothes,
And I did.
It was too damn cold here anyway.
They forced me to stop singing,
And I did.
I had nothing left to sing about anyway.
They forced me to give up my dance,
And I did.
They had already stolen my music anyway.

Then they forced me to give up my kids...
And I fought.
These are my damn kids anyway.
Then they forced me to give up my freedom,
I never will.
I never stopped fighting for it anyway.

And I'll keep fighting,
I'll keep fighting.
I will NEVER stop fighting.

Higher than Winged Birds

Cover me like morning dew on rose pedals

Bring high tide to new levels

Indulge me like chocolate covered sweet things

Let’s climb mountaintops, make bells ring

Be my whipped up on my ice cream

Make me want more

Make me scream

Make your name my favorite word

Make what we do my favorite verb

So when teacher asks what I learned

I’ll cry out: “how to fly higher than winged birds.”

If Only for a Moment

I found you once

While I was hiding in the shelter of solitude

But you were tucked deep in the darkest places

Unmasked, all of your many faces

Illuminated by all of your potential, I found you

In that moment, I vowed to never let you go

But truth be told

You’re the only thing that saved me

You made me a believer with all of your impossibility

Turned practical in the matter of instants

The reality that I could be the one that wins it

Even if just for a moment

What others would die for

Have killed for

I found spilling over

Ready to change the heart

Of an all un-expecting

Never regretting

Fragile yet invincible spirit

That spirit was me

In all of my destitute, you redeemed me

I had prayed for you

For salvation from the pain

To regain my consciousness

I was dying, you know?

Drowning in the realness of humanity

But you challenged me

To be greater

And to think deeper than even boundless dreamers

And I did

I held on tight

Even if only for a moment

And you were just right

Even if only to me

And I

Will never

Regret knowing the depth of your existence

Even now that I remain confined in the prison of your memory

In faint moments, those memories are all that I have

To remind me of your presence

To secure your existence

In those memories, I’m free again

Happy tears of a faded friend

Truth bends

And lies prevail

But reality is unyielding

Time and time again it proves your being

But if seeing is believing

You’ll be left lifeless in the minds of the brokenhearted

Because you can’t be seen

Only felt

And I found you

Hiding

Planted in the perfect place

Perhaps waiting for a fading spirit

To have one sweet taste of life through you

You spared me

But you gave your time sparingly

Leaving way faster than you came

Now in faint moments I can barely remember your name

Love

I’m terrified you won’t return to me

Yet I know you can’t be reserved for only me

My only hope is that your absence is caused

Not by a loss

But a short intermediary deficiency

Because you’re off blessing someone who isn’t me

And I’ll wait for you

Hoping that you are not the cousin to the moon

Here to bring deliverance

Then gone too soon

Only appearing in the darkest hour

Shining your light

But taking your power with you

I’m hoping

But still, if only for that moment

That your time is borrowed but not lent

It’ll be enough to give my spirit comfort

So, until we meet again…

Making Love to Music - RIP Whitney Houston

I wrote this piece in 2005. Whitney's death reminded me of how significant music has been in defining my relationship to love and relationships. Whitney's music was a major part of the soundtrack to my life for all of 27 years. So I'm dedicating this piece to her. Thank you for the mark that you've made on music and Black culture and love. RIP Whitney Houston

Making Love to Music
Since I was a little girl
My world revolved around music
I can still remember the sweet tunes
That taught me how not to lose
A man unless you’re on both knees fighting
Heard the voice of superwomen hidden behind the guise of sad love songs
And baby, baby pleases gone on too long

Mary had time on her hands since you went away
She was going down just to stop the pain
Almost lost my breath when Toni said you leaving made her stop breathing
Didn’t matter that you spent seven whole days lying, deceiving and cheating
She couldn’t bear any more walks in the park
Without you, she just couldn’t go on
An angel never got a chance to unbreak her heart
Before she was singing another sad love song

Mariah gave her all for just one night
But love never brought you home.
Guess she thought if she catered to you, she could make it alright.
But Destiny’s Child was wrong.

She broke down
Couldn’t find no ground
When you forgot about us
Because we belong together…

Lengthened my nights and darkened my days
Found myself scared to go home
Because broken hearts never find their way
Sweet country tunes
Soothed me to bed
As questions of how I would live without you swarmed through my head

You meant the world to me
You were my everything
I swear, the only thing that mattered, mattered to me

I was dangerously in love

I wondered how I would see without you
Because according to Toni, there’s no moon without you
There’s no meaning to life without you
Because Whitney taught me I have nothing if I don’t have you
So I’ll be saving all of my love for…you

And so I found myself dependant on you
Because something so real to my livelihood had to be true
And these thoughts became the soundtrack for everything I went through
Even though our loving put me though hell,
I had to hold on…because you were teaching me how to love myself

I fed off you like honey to a bee
And sooner or later my innocence was also drowned out by the sounds of baby, baby please…

Until Tina taught me love isn’t more than a second hand emotion
And I became convinced I didn’t need my heart because it would just get broken
And…so I became bitter

Like Keisha, I just wanted it to be over
But instead of sticking around and crying on your shoulder,
I should’ve cheated
Because you turned out NOT to be all the man that I needed
Now I’m all cried out over you

It’s just like Toni said, you weren’t man enough for me
Maybe it wasn’t really love after all
But I stuck my ground
I played hard ball!
So in the end, I did what I had to do
I mean, c’mon,
I learned from the best
I learned from you

Wondered why my heart had turned cold
When at first our love was all I had to show
But music had invaded my heart and captured my soul
Convinced that you were who made me whole
Then realized shortly after that I deserved more

Thanks to Keisha I was able to let it go
And Alicia let me know, at least it was a lesson learned
Brandy taught me that almost doesn’t count
Destiny’s Child showed me how to be independent
That’s what real survival is about
You were a bad habit that I had to break
Had to move on before you left with all that you could take
Whitney told me, “It’s not right, but it’s ok.”
And just when you said you loved me, and I began to doubt,
JoJo schooled me on how to tell you to get out!

Beyonce convinced me I was irreplaceable
So I gladly told you “to the left”
That’s when Tamia taught me how to finally choose me
Because I can love me best

And so looking back, it makes perfect sense
The evolution of my heart
While all of the time I thought that I had been making love to you,
I had been making love to music from the start…

Songs mentioned and/or quoted in this piece (In order):

I’m Going Down by Mary. J Blige
Breathe Again by Toni Braxton
Seven Whole Days by Toni Braxton
There’s No Me Without You by Toni Braxton
How Could An Angel Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton
Another Sad Love Song by Toni Braxton
My All by Mariah Carey
Love Should’ve Brought You Home Last Night by Toni Braxton
Cater to You by Destiny’s Child
Breakdown by Mariah Carey
Don’t Forget About Us by Mariah Carey
We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
How Do I Live Without You by Leanne Rhymes
You Mean The World To Me by Toni Braxton
Dangerously In Love by Destiny’s Child
There’s No Me Without You by Toni Braxton
I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston
Saving All Love For You by Whitney Houston
What’s Love Got To Do With It by Tina Turner
I Just Want It To Be Over by Keisha Cole
I Should’ve Cheated by Keisha Cole
All The Man That I Need by Whitney Houston
All Cried Out by Lisa Lisa and Colt Jam (Original)/All Cried Out by Allure and 112 (Remake)
Man Enough for Me by Toni Braxton
Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys
Almost Doesn’t Count by Brandy
Independent Woman by Destiny’s Child
Survivor by Destiny’s Child
Bad Habit by Destiny’s Child
It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay by Whitney Houston
Leave (Get Out) by JoJo
Girl by Destiny’s Child
Irreplaceable by Beyonce
Me by Tamia

"I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness but above all this I wish you love." Whitney Houston (I Will Always Love You)