Tuesday, July 13, 2010

My Sisters Keeper…

We were much younger back then
More than sisters
We made others envy us
Rooted relationship in trust
Our bond was epic
Swore we’d never let it
Never fail
Our love was boundless
And it shone in the way we treated each other
Pacted to never ever leave each other
…and we meant it
Still to this day I pray and thank God for you
Think of countless moments I couldn’t have survived without you

Truth is that you helped raise me
She birthed me but you made me
And while she was out busting her ass to support her seed
You stayed at home and helped nurture my dreams
You’re a prominent force in my existence
You believed in me when others doubted my vision
And even in moments when she broke my spirit
You strengthened my back bone and convinced me that life was worth living

Somewhere, sometime, at some point you started expecting too much from me
To keep giving and giving
And have nothing left for me
Too high on your pedestal to look down at your own humility
But I’m not superwoman
I’m just the human me
You’ll call me selfish because of it
But hurt filled generations are a product of what happens when we expect too much from kids

Always at the back of the line,
I had to stay ten steps ahead just to keep up
Expected by everyone to act grown up
But people still somehow forgot
That I was a full grown baby
I didn’t experience life through your skin
Can never see it through your eyes
And I know I’m not perfect
But dear God I try
To be everything to everyone all of the time

But how can I be my sisters’ keeper
When it’s hurting me more
To stay and do the work than to walk out the door
Count it as a loss
Instead of doing my part
To strengthen a relationship that’s fallen apart
I’ll hold onto this but at what cost?
My self esteem, my soul, my spirit, my heart?

Why shouldn’t I get to keep something for myself?
Where is it written in The Book that to get to heaven
You have to go through hell
There’s no room for me here.
This space is consumed by your ego
And I’m so over all the arguing
All that does is feed you.
Validate your dramatic interpretation of reality
And further dig myself into this hole
While the whole time you’re here hurting me…

I expected so much more from you
Than to expect the worst from a soul who has already given her whole
…then still gave more too
I thought we were in this together
Instead abusive words are my return for the storm that I’ve weathered

Look at how far we’ve come to nothingness
25 years later and there’s no trusting left
Just fake smiles, forced calls and loneliness
Hurts cuz I think more than anyone else, we owe this to US

Who’s gonna hold us down the only way we can do?
It’s like you forgot all of the times I surrendered my seam for you
Inside out and wide open
I went to the extreme for you
All I wanted was to make you proud
And mirror the same thing that you would do

…but now I’m at a loss
Time gone
And we’ve lost ourselves
We pay the price for goodbyes
Look at all we cost ourselves
Empty pockets
No loose change to pay my way
But I’m tryna get my money up
So I can buy us both a pass someday

Until we reconcile and love redeems itself
I’ll be praying for simpler solutions to how things were dealt
So that next time (if there’s a next time)

We’ll have help from God
That way maybe...just maybe being my sister’s keeper won’t be so hard…