Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic

Life without you is real and I can’t stand it

No one understands it

Can’t weather this storm

Can’t do this no more

How could God close the door

On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this

As a fact of life

Or something right

Or one of God’s lessons

I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending

That you’re still here

Somewhere

Enjoying what was left

But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty

That I didn’t do more before you left me

But life is tricky

We know too little too late

Life is devoured before the taste

And before I know it

You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you

So here it is…

How am I supposed to tell my kids

…about you?

How can they ever know me without you?

I’m everything I am

Because of everything you were

I hate who I’ve become without you

Who's supposed to remind you of who you are

When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable

The void you left is impossible

Now I lay hostage to your absence

No time

No rhyme or reason

Can stop this bleeding  

Or the pain from you leaving

Can’t stop the burn

I’ll never learn

To live without you

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Because since you’ve been gone

The nights are too long

The days are a fight

Can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending

There’s no silver lining

All wounds don’t heal with time and

This is a burden I’ll carry with me

All of your sacrifice to make us happy

We never fully appreciate

What we have til it’s too late

Now that you’re gone

The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me

Live on in your memory

Her Heart

Her heart is heavy
Some have lost a few
She’s lost plenty

She’s never held more weight than she can carry
Still, she’s lost count of how many she’s buried
So she goes through life
Eyes teary and heart heavy

The load never lessens
A curse with no blessing
Memories of those resting
Taught consequences with no lessons

You can’t see her heavy heart
She’s played her part
She carries the burden
Pretends she’s not hurting

But…

Her heart is heavy
Some have lost a few
She’s lost plenty

There’s no time stamp on pain
So she keeps reliving it over and over again
In the core of her existence
Hurt stays imprisoned

How do you support someone through mourning?
When every morning is a reminder of the loss
This struggle might cost her her life
This time

Constant retraumatization
Nothing is changing
So she strives to live beyond the pain
To be more than the pins she wears
Or her dried out tears
But all the years have taught
Is that it’s impossible not to get caught
In this whirlpool of destruction
And the corruption caused to her heart

So she loses hope in believing
Her heart keeps beating
Despite faith fleeting
Internal bleeding
Allows no rhyme or reason
For the chaos

So she remains lost to this
Passes it onto her kids
A viscous cycle
Pain knows no end
It didn’t start with her
And it won’t end with them
It will get passed down through generations
Past households
Across nations
Before we know it, we’re all hurting
Don’t you know it?
We’re all hurting

This pain can be cured in her heart
But she’ll never know it
Granted the ability to be the change
The ability to live again
Instead she’ll reap consequences
Even though she didn’t sow it
And she’ll go on hurting
But she won’t show it

She IS the generation down the line
Pain doesn’t heal with time
Without intent and work
So she’ll work to be the change
To move past the pain

Until it revisits her again

In her heart…

..Is heavy
Some have lost a few
She’s lost plenty

Depression

I know this place
A familiar state
One that sadness cannot duplicate
One that happiness will not replace
It envelopes me
Dark cloud drenches me
No salvation
No patience for deliverance

Solitude in this confinement
My divine assignment
Why have thou forsaken me
With such treacherous misery
It lives inside of me
Where no external vision can see
Nor comprehend
A wound no time can ever mend

I remain fearful that my wounds are showing
My heart is heavy
Overflowing
There’s no place to dump this excess weight

My fate
That was never mine to own
Never mine to carry
In need of an annulment from this arranged marriage
Into which I’ve unwillingly married

God please help me,
To escape from this shelter of alone
It’s where I’ve built refuge
Where I feel at home

Impossible to be loved
When loving myself feels forbidden
Oh prison of despair
My sight is conflicted by blurred vision
Really I care
But it blocks out all instinction

This “feeling”
It won’t go away
So instead I succumb to a world filled with grey
And pray to God for salvation from the pain