Forced Living

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Since you’ve been gone

I can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

I spend most moments in a panic

Life without you is real and I can’t stand it

No one understands it

Can’t weather this storm

Can’t do this no more

How could God close the door

On a life that was needed here more

I won’t ever accept this

As a fact of life

Or something right

Or one of God’s lessons

I’ll spend the rest of my days pretending

That you’re still here

Somewhere

Enjoying what was left

But you left before you experienced the best

I feel guilty

That I didn’t do more before you left me

But life is tricky

We know too little too late

Life is devoured before the taste

And before I know it

You’re not with me

I’m forcing myself to write about you

So here it is…

How am I supposed to tell my kids

…about you?

How can they ever know me without you?

I’m everything I am

Because of everything you were

I hate who I’ve become without you

Who's supposed to remind you of who you are

When everyone who knew the real you is gone?

The gifts you gave are immeasurable

The void you left is impossible

Now I lay hostage to your absence

No time

No rhyme or reason

Can stop this bleeding  

Or the pain from you leaving

Can’t stop the burn

I’ll never learn

To live without you

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

So…

I’m forcing myself to write about you

Because since you’ve been gone

The nights are too long

The days are a fight

Can’t eat

Can’t sleep

Nothing is right without you

Can’t go on living

I don’t want to HAVE to live without you

This poem won’t have a happy ending

There’s no silver lining

All wounds don’t heal with time and

This is a burden I’ll carry with me

All of your sacrifice to make us happy

We never fully appreciate

What we have til it’s too late

Now that you’re gone

The faint sound of the songs you used to sing me

Live on in your memory

Making Love to Music - RIP Whitney Houston

I wrote this piece in 2005. Whitney's death reminded me of how significant music has been in defining my relationship to love and relationships. Whitney's music was a major part of the soundtrack to my life for all of 27 years. So I'm dedicating this piece to her. Thank you for the mark that you've made on music and Black culture and love. RIP Whitney Houston

Making Love to Music
Since I was a little girl
My world revolved around music
I can still remember the sweet tunes
That taught me how not to lose
A man unless you’re on both knees fighting
Heard the voice of superwomen hidden behind the guise of sad love songs
And baby, baby pleases gone on too long

Mary had time on her hands since you went away
She was going down just to stop the pain
Almost lost my breath when Toni said you leaving made her stop breathing
Didn’t matter that you spent seven whole days lying, deceiving and cheating
She couldn’t bear any more walks in the park
Without you, she just couldn’t go on
An angel never got a chance to unbreak her heart
Before she was singing another sad love song

Mariah gave her all for just one night
But love never brought you home.
Guess she thought if she catered to you, she could make it alright.
But Destiny’s Child was wrong.

She broke down
Couldn’t find no ground
When you forgot about us
Because we belong together…

Lengthened my nights and darkened my days
Found myself scared to go home
Because broken hearts never find their way
Sweet country tunes
Soothed me to bed
As questions of how I would live without you swarmed through my head

You meant the world to me
You were my everything
I swear, the only thing that mattered, mattered to me

I was dangerously in love

I wondered how I would see without you
Because according to Toni, there’s no moon without you
There’s no meaning to life without you
Because Whitney taught me I have nothing if I don’t have you
So I’ll be saving all of my love for…you

And so I found myself dependant on you
Because something so real to my livelihood had to be true
And these thoughts became the soundtrack for everything I went through
Even though our loving put me though hell,
I had to hold on…because you were teaching me how to love myself

I fed off you like honey to a bee
And sooner or later my innocence was also drowned out by the sounds of baby, baby please…

Until Tina taught me love isn’t more than a second hand emotion
And I became convinced I didn’t need my heart because it would just get broken
And…so I became bitter

Like Keisha, I just wanted it to be over
But instead of sticking around and crying on your shoulder,
I should’ve cheated
Because you turned out NOT to be all the man that I needed
Now I’m all cried out over you

It’s just like Toni said, you weren’t man enough for me
Maybe it wasn’t really love after all
But I stuck my ground
I played hard ball!
So in the end, I did what I had to do
I mean, c’mon,
I learned from the best
I learned from you

Wondered why my heart had turned cold
When at first our love was all I had to show
But music had invaded my heart and captured my soul
Convinced that you were who made me whole
Then realized shortly after that I deserved more

Thanks to Keisha I was able to let it go
And Alicia let me know, at least it was a lesson learned
Brandy taught me that almost doesn’t count
Destiny’s Child showed me how to be independent
That’s what real survival is about
You were a bad habit that I had to break
Had to move on before you left with all that you could take
Whitney told me, “It’s not right, but it’s ok.”
And just when you said you loved me, and I began to doubt,
JoJo schooled me on how to tell you to get out!

Beyonce convinced me I was irreplaceable
So I gladly told you “to the left”
That’s when Tamia taught me how to finally choose me
Because I can love me best

And so looking back, it makes perfect sense
The evolution of my heart
While all of the time I thought that I had been making love to you,
I had been making love to music from the start…

Songs mentioned and/or quoted in this piece (In order):

I’m Going Down by Mary. J Blige
Breathe Again by Toni Braxton
Seven Whole Days by Toni Braxton
There’s No Me Without You by Toni Braxton
How Could An Angel Break My Heart by Toni Braxton
Unbreak My Heart by Toni Braxton
Another Sad Love Song by Toni Braxton
My All by Mariah Carey
Love Should’ve Brought You Home Last Night by Toni Braxton
Cater to You by Destiny’s Child
Breakdown by Mariah Carey
Don’t Forget About Us by Mariah Carey
We Belong Together by Mariah Carey
Where Do Broken Hearts Go by Whitney Houston
How Do I Live Without You by Leanne Rhymes
You Mean The World To Me by Toni Braxton
Dangerously In Love by Destiny’s Child
There’s No Me Without You by Toni Braxton
I Have Nothing by Whitney Houston
Saving All Love For You by Whitney Houston
What’s Love Got To Do With It by Tina Turner
I Just Want It To Be Over by Keisha Cole
I Should’ve Cheated by Keisha Cole
All The Man That I Need by Whitney Houston
All Cried Out by Lisa Lisa and Colt Jam (Original)/All Cried Out by Allure and 112 (Remake)
Man Enough for Me by Toni Braxton
Lesson Learned by Alicia Keys
Almost Doesn’t Count by Brandy
Independent Woman by Destiny’s Child
Survivor by Destiny’s Child
Bad Habit by Destiny’s Child
It’s Not Right, But It’s Okay by Whitney Houston
Leave (Get Out) by JoJo
Girl by Destiny’s Child
Irreplaceable by Beyonce
Me by Tamia

"I hope life treats you kind and I hope you have all you dreamed of. And I wish you joy and happiness but above all this I wish you love." Whitney Houston (I Will Always Love You)

Ex Sex

Just moments ago the world looked different
Now late night tears and lonely fears got me wishing that we didn't
Want you out of my head
Reoccurring visions instead
Of you hugging, loving and kissing me in this bed
Memories of way back when

I placed my bet
You had me thinking I was winning...
But the loss I dread
Is far greater than this prison
It’s called living
Without you
It’s the hell I’ll endure
When you’re not here anymore
And I fall victim to weak inquisition
Of what I’m still living for

For the last time
Because the last time
I said had to be the last time
And then I took you back again
One last time

Maybe we’re better off as just friends
Because every time we try
This do or die kinda love
I get trapped
In tryna prove that I’m Mrs. Right kinda love
So I take you back
And in a moment the marvel of our love outweighs fact
And experience
Or maybe it’s just the fear in us

But all I feel
And all that’s real
Are our hot bodies pressed tight
Reassuring words “it’ll be alright”
Me on top
Your tongue on my spot
Scratches on skin
The taste of your sin
So I give in
You win
You inside
Lost my pride
I guess I can take you back one more time

Yet again, regretful thoughts
Wishing I could forget you thoughts
Because I fucked up again
Sister, lover, or friend
I gave you the power to choose
And guess what?
I lose

I find myself right back at the start
But perhaps the worst part
Is that you might as well not pack
I know that you’ll be back
And I’ll still be here waiting
Patient
For that ex sex
The best sex

And everything to come next…

I Was There...

Dearest family and friends,

The term “bittersweet” has never held more significance for me than in this very moment. I am honored to say that I have been a member of Reflect and Strengthen for the past 10 amazing years of organizing, sisterhood, consensus decisions making, equity, and restorative justice, addressing root causes of oppression, leadership development, anti-racism work, love, celebrating life, and change making. For 8 of those years I was a staff person with the organization. December 31, 2011 officially marked the close of my staff position and membership with R&S. I am grateful to the organization that helped mold me into the woman that I am today.

I became a member of Reflect and Strengthen in 2001. I was there for the first ever R&S play: ‘Tabula Rasa and All That Yin Yang’ and then years later, for our second full theater production: ‘Spill Life: Confessions of a Butterfly’. I was there when the city told us that a “little girl’s group” was not worth supporting. I was there to help nurture R&S’ growth from a “baby organization” into a vital part of community organizing in the city of Boston.

I was there when R&S underwent a furlough, threatening the future of the organization. What might have seemed like our lowest point to the rest of the world was actually the time of our greatest learning, growth, and strength. We fought for the organization that had transformed the lives of so many working class young women across the city of Boston…and we won! We didn’t just survive; we managed to raise more money for one fiscal year than ever before in the history of the organization. Not only did we prove our resiliency, but our members and our community stepped up in miraculous ways. They cooked for group, they babysat our kids, they had house party fundraisers, they told their friends to donate to R&S instead of giving them birthday gifts, and they gave their last monies to ensure the longevity of R&S. It became glaringly apparent that R&S was not only worth fighting for because of pride or because it was important to staff and members; R&S was worth fighting for because of the great impact that it has made on the entire city of Boston.

Because of the hard work of my sisters and community, I was there to watch members and their children grow up in R&S, leaving with the seeds that R&S implanted in them, that they continue to spread throughout their communities. From generation to generation those seeds continue to grow, blooming inside of all of us. I was there to witness the ripple effect of positive energy, love, and accountability first hang, a blessing that I pray I have done the work to pass onto future members, staff, board members and supporters of the organization.

I was there to help nurture the only all women’s collective in the city of Boston. It is imperative that women’s rights remain at the center of conversations, along with conversations about race, class, gender and queerness, and all of the ways that it is our duty to fight all forms of oppression. Through Reflect and Strengthen I learned how to live out the notion that if only some of us are free, then none of us are free.

As I write this, it’s reinforcing what I already knew. There are no words that can fully express just how much Reflect and Strengthen means to me. Reflect and Strengthen is the most dynamic group of women that I have ever seen, known, or been a part of. The echo of the impact that R&S has had on Boston will continue to sound throughout the streets for generations to come and I thank God that I can say that I was there to be a part of it. Through my membership and staff position with R&S I learned work and life skills that have benefitted me in every single area of my life. My role with R&S is different, but never-ending. I now get the opportunity to share in R&S through the role of a strong supporter and sustainer. I am incredibly proud to take on that role and look forward to watching R&S evolve into the next phase of its existence. R&S taught me how to love myself, how to believe in myself and in the capacity of my people to be greater than our potential suggests and far more than the world expects of us. Reflect and Strengthen has far exceeded the underestimation of “a little girl’s group” and has proved what incredible power women have to change the world.

Reflect and Strengthen has taught me that transition is about celebrating the journey from one phase of life to the next. I am grateful for the experiences I’ve had, the people I’ve befriended and the gems I will now take with me as I transition into the next period of my life. I am excited to announce that I will be moving to Oakland, California as the newest member of the Community Justice Network for Youth (CJNY) team!

Thank you to everyone that has loved me through it all. I am forever indebted to you…

P.S. I can no longer be reached at my Yahoo or Reflect and Strengthen email accounts. Please email me at: berry.roselyn@gmail.com with personal matters only. For all R&S related matters, please contact Mallory Hanora directly (mallory@reflectandstrengthen.org) or contact any of the members of our staff team at 617.442.2355. You can also feel free to visit our website at: www.reflectandstrengthen.org for more info about our work and programs.

Please feel free to visit the Burns institute website at: http://www.burnsinstitute.org/ and the CJNY website at: http://www.cjny.org/ for more information about the Community Justice Network for Youth and the work that I’ll be doing in the next phase of my movement work.

In Peace, Love, and Solidarity,

Roselyn Berry

Strange Love

I saw you today
You passed right by me
And my breathe went away
You didn’t even say hi to me
I kept my composure
But I died inside
Because I never got closure
But I couldn’t stand the thought of you seeing me cry
So I kept walking too
Counting the ways in my head that I would let go of you
I turned back once
Quickly
Just to see if you were looking back too
Watching me watch you
But no, you stayed straight ahead
Just kept walking instead
And I wasn’t surprised
But time stood still in goodbye
An ironic metaphor for our relationship, huh?
I make all of the compromises
And you make none
Me bending backwards
You keeping it moving
Me making myself an option
That you were never choosing
One big game
That I was always losing
Me, like a lab rat
You kept testing my strength
Just to have your hypothesis proven
I was so weak for you
But only for you
What else did you expect me to do
When I was a fool
Head over heels
For a man with a gun
Who would steal my heart and then run
I’ll laugh away the pain
But it’s not funny
How somebody that knew me so well
Better than anybody
Has ever or would ever, could ever know me again
Could be so distant
Homies, lovers and friends back then
Now almost like strangers

We lost ourselves somewhere back there
Two blocks before yesterday
And I keep searching the ground for memories
But you picked them up and threw them all away
I keep trying to find us
But instead there are stains on the sidewalk
From where we murdered love
It’s never coming back to us
Just fades more with every teardrop
And I keep running back for love
But there are signs on every street corner that scream STOP!
How could I still love someone
Who would rather run than love me
Reality is, you didn’t steal my heart
You got it from me
I handed it to you sometime before hello and after goodbye
But I couldn’t stand the thought of you seeing me cry
Because I gave you more than you deserved
You never stayed true to your word
And now our love is left out on the curb
And what have I learned?
That I would still walk a thousand more miles for love
If in the end it promised to return

Current Love

I thought this was something it wasn’t
I thought you were something you weren’t
Even before our feet hit the shore
Everything we never were went away with the current

What’s left now that love has been cast away
To the deep sea of forgetfulness ?
Loneliness will be the price we’ll pay
Our love, locked deep inside of treasure chests

Forgiving ourselves before the harm has been done
Of giving up on love
Or for not fighting hard enough
We’ll forfeit everything that we could have had
If only we had more faith in us
You’ll try and get it back
When it’s far too late
And we’ve missed out on fate
Because we lost precious moments
And time was unwilling to wait
Every shared moment was a waste
You’ll try and convince me it’s not over
But it’s only for the chase

You’ll try and pull me back in
Take me by the hand
But our love stops in the sand
There’s nowhere left to go
When there’s no ground left to stand

I thought this was something it wasn’t
I thought you were something you weren’t
Even before our feet hit the shore
Everything we never were went away with the current

What’s left now that love has been cast away
To the deep sea of forgetfulness ?
Loneliness will be the price we’ll pay
Our love, locked deep inside of treasure chests

Love's Journey

Will you take my hand
And join me on this journey?
I, your woman
And you, my man
I’m sure that God himself chose you for me

The stars aligned
Just in time
To lead you to me
Waves crashed down
And angels sang out harmony
At the victory of this unity

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing…
…and obtains favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22)

So walking in accordance with His word
You searched and you found me
I, patiently waiting
Now thanking God for His graces
Giving Him praises
Because God took note of all my prayers
And covered all the bases

Like a needle on a record player
Playing our song
God didn’t miss a beat
And now I know in my heart
That I was made for you
And you for me

So…
“Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away…”
(Songs of Songs 8:6-7)

You,
I’m sure were sent from above.
We didn’t just find each other
We found the epitome of love:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)

Through God’s lessons
We learn to strive for perfection
This love is the closest thing to God’s love
That I’ve ever been blessed with

I don’t know where this path will lead
But I know that if you’re standing there with me
At the end of love’s journey
I believe
Every one of my dreams
Would be manifested in that moment
And all of the possibilities of love

We would own it

We’ll look back knowing that we made it through the rain.
Let go of the pain
Just in time to learn that we and love are one in the same
Just as sure as salvation came,
This love, it will sustain

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”
(1 Corinthians 13:13)

Love Affair

Love
Is the most dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever had
I try and get it out of my system
But it keeps pumping through my veins
Justifies and warrants the pain
Causes me to come back time and time again
Even when it’s hurting more to stay

No explanation
No resolution
Null of Restitution
A foreign concept
Ancient conquest
No true discovery

I’m convinced it can’t exist amongst this loneliness
There’s not enough room to embrace the magnitude of two all consuming emotions.

But love, it keeps me going
Keeps me knowing purpose in an otherwise purposeless life
Makes wrong right
When I’m sightless
Simple minded
Simply, it’s because I’ve been blinded by love

Love
How you charm me into believing
That you’re mine
Even while you’re leaving
For the last time
You push me out the way
Failed attempt to make you stay
Press my face to your chest
Plead from my very depth

But I’ll be loving you still
Even long after you’ve left

I’ll put up a wall
Tough skin
Nonchalance
Blank voice when you call

But truth is that I need love
Bleed love
Hear voices within
Telling me to keep fighting
Because I know it’s my right
And this love is pure destiny
Lives inside of me and breeds life

I nurture its growth
And don’t you know
I live to love this life inside of me
Learn to like its tragedy
Infatuated with the fallacy
That the true meaning of love is held somewhere in this twisted galaxy

How this love fuels me
Rules me like mighty men
But love don’t love me ever
Never loved me then
Promises forever
But never says when

Love is the most dysfunctional relationship I’ve ever had.
So as I pack my bags
I say goodbye to the love I never really had
Say farewell to yesterday
You’ll pretend you’re sad
But before I make it out the door
I’m already coming back

To this dysfunctional
Love affair
With
Love

Love Is Enough

This poverty weakens me
Keeps me from fulfilling my God given gifts
But if not for this struggle that fuels me
My dreams would be no more than only a wish
Cast upon shooting stars
They soar through night sky
But eventually they die
Leave me vacant
But who am I to expect more from an existence
That’s lent itself as a poverty prison
For past generations of poor women before me
The seeds they’ve sown
Have grown up to offer more nutrients than ever before
But still we go hungry
Our children ask: “Mommy what will you eat?”
When the pennies we’ve scraped together still aren’t enough to make ends meet
Feeling like we’ve failed
When really it’s the world that’s claimed defeat
Sick to our stomach from life’s hunger
So we consume each other’s dreams
Devour their potential
Climb over each other
Like crabs in a barrel
Craving a solution
We all feed on this poverty pollution
We’ll starve
Malnourished
Forgetting the seeds planted for us
We’ll ignore the harvest
During disputes of who’s the poorest
We begin to waste away
To feed our spirit
We pray
Reminding ourselves to feast on love
It’ll nurture our existence
And it’s more than enough
Little did we know,
Love has always been enough

Perfect Love

Maybe this perfect love was too perfect
Maybe the Immaculate Conception that birthed it
Was far too much for human hands
So it spilled out of our grasp
Into puddles on the floor
Washed away by ignorant tears
Unknowing that those years meant nothing
They don’t get written into history books
Because like a crook, you stole the past
Like a thief, you took the only love that ever loved me back

Maybe this perfect love was too perfect
Or maybe I just wasn’t worth it
But you loved on me like I was the only love that mattered
When you said goodbye
That last time
That part of my existence shattered

Maybe I lived our love differently
But now what does it matter?
I was reaching for eternity
But you threw me from the ladder
Because you were too scared of perfect
Or at least that’s what I gathered
At least that’s what I convinced myself during that long journey through goodbye
But I made that trip gracefully
You took almost everything but my pride
Packed away in my suitcase, everything from love I kept
Mistakes and regret
Broken promises and lost bets
Turned around and almost lost step
When ignorance replaced fact
And I was forced to face the realization that this time you weren’t running after me
This time you weren’t coming back for me

Maybe this love was never mine to begin with
But if this isn’t perfect love then what is it?
What could possibly be worth more?
But hurt less
What do I keep looking for
Once I’ve already had the best?
Who is this prince charming I’m expected to invest in
Again
When you were my greatest investment

Maybe this perfect love was just too perfect
Maybe the devil knew we would be innovators of the trend
Foolish were we to think that destiny was ours to mend
Or maybe God took back this perfect love
Because blessings are just lent
Whatever the reason
Whoever to blame
That perfect love is resting now
Upon broken sill window pain

My love is no longer our love
Will never be the same
My greatest fear
Too devastating to bear
Our love was the only true love
I’ve lost my greatest friend
And now the world may never know perfect love again

I Am From...

I am from...
Mango and lime trees
Dried out wishing wells
And banana leaves

I am from...
She who raised me to be great
Worked hard so that her ceiling could be my floor
No matter how high my own expectations
She believed in my for more

I am from…
Less than enough and still more than we needed
From outhouses
Scarce resources
And faith in He who we were taught to believe in

I am from...
Catholicism and broad Christianity
From religion and sacrilegious tragedy
I am from betrayal of the book and treason
From denial of His word and what we were forced to believe in

I am from...
His touch
Unwanted
Unwarranted
Seduced by the satisfaction of those who desired me to desire them
Turned lovers and friends
To false angels and demons
Therein dictating the love that I believed in

I am from...
Beliefs’ being what grounds me
And challenges me to be the me He's destined me to be

I am from…
This person
This place
This thing
This tradition
This memory
Those that made me but still do not define me

I am me.

Married to the System

It’s been 365 days exact…that’s 8,760 hours we can never get back. Hard to imagine the world still in tact, when mine hasn’t been the same since learning the fact that you’ve been stolen from me by street life, drug sales and steel bars. Blinded by the glamour of platinum ice, cash flow and nice cars. You traded in our love for drug sales; and in turn sold that for time in jail. Two years was the sentence. When will our dear America learn that handcuffs don’t teach lessons? Especially when you’ve been taught your whole life that you’re worth less than. YOU try and provide for your family when there’s no food and rent is due and the only one of the kids old enough to work is you. What does dear old America expect us to do when minimum wage equals less than livable too?

I hadn’t kissed you for so long that it felt wrong the first time that I saw you again. The system creates distance way longer than miles can bend. Makes criminals out of daddies and defendants out of friends, homicide victims out of loved ones and gives us our men just as lent. Cuz most know they’ll never see 18 before having their dreams ripped at the seams. To hide the holes in a life handed, never chose, they pin RIP buttons for each one as they go.

Don’t you understand? There aint no American dream! We’ve been locked up where cracked liberty bells outweigh our dreams. Our community is knocked up and poverty only breeds desperation. So our babies grow up learning that there are quicker ways to get paid than with a pay check. It’s not hard to see who got power in this country: white men with money…so that’s who we aspire to be. Cuz we grow up not having presidents who look like me. They tell us have dreams but we lack opportunity…but they aint got nothing to say for it. So we live our lives poor and have to pay for it.

Handcuffs and barbed wire
We live our lives imprisoned
And they say we have a choice but this is how we living!

Til the day I get to hold your hand, touch your face and feel your heart against mine.
We’ll remain victims to the system
Just flirting with possibilities but married to time.

asking too much

mean what u say
say what u mean
dont sell me a dream
less than what's fit for a queen
so when i awake on my throne
sure to have missed the scene
i wont question my spirit
and know what to believe...

dont discredit my heart
or undermine my faith
with purpose and love
i'll erase this page
and move onto a new chapter
that i've yet to create
with hopes of new beginnings
more worthy of fate...

prematurely u arrive
too late u depart
no time to rewind
back to the start
but assured am i
if ever i thought
away with u, u'll take my heart...

so farewell sweet dreams
now only memories
of what could be
if u respected me
but the truth too late
and the heart too dry
it now beats of false hopes
and countless goodbyes...

this one the last
i'll let go of the past
and never again ask
too much of a man

Untitled

March 2, 2006

If I could float on my dreams like clouds,
I would disappear to a place in the distance, way up there
Where days don’t begin without sunlight and nights don’t end without resolution
If I could, I would fly away and pack all of my problems into one day
Then erase that day off of the calendar
Like the 30th of February
If I could, Id marry destiny and convince him to fly away with me
To that place in the sky
Where dreams exist
And the world would thank me because of this
If I could…

She abandoned me....15 years, 10 days, 16 hours and 25 minutes ago, she abandoned me. I daydream of days where I don’t feel locked away by cages, raping me of my humanity…how could she abandon me? It’s gonna take some time they said. It’s gonna take some time to forget her. But how could I forget the woman who breathed life into my soul, made me whole like knowledge makes the mind? But I allowed myself to believe that in time, she’d come back. If I just kept holding on, like songs that drag on for too long. And the truth is that I’m angry. How could she abandon me?! How could she be witness to eyes that she once prized? Dark skin, small waist, big ass, thick thighs...just like mommy’s. And she lied when she said I was her everything, heard birds sing when she was around me. Couldn’t breathe, couldn’t be, couldn’t live without me. Said everything she did would be about me. But then she gave up way too soon and sought another route without me. “Its not your fault,” she said; as she held the shot gun to her head, one shot to her brain, and now mommy is dead. I was only six and saw life flash before me way too quick. She couldn’t cope with nowhere to go. She was a drug addict, addicted to dope. So she died at 22, what a tragedy…and left me here to carry the burden of the world. How could she abandon me?

A Father’s Love

Dad,
I brought you these gifts
After all, they did start out as yours
A heart that has grown cold
Broken promises wrapped in gold
Lies
Just as they were told
And tears, 25 years old

Maybe I was too young
Or just too dumb to fully understand the significance of your absence
I knew it felt like loneliness
Like abandonment
Like the pieces of my heart that I had been missing weren’t worth filling with anyone but you
…and I was right.

Twenty five years later, nothing’s changed
I’m still the same
…Daddy’s little girl you left behind
Even time couldn’t tame this desire
This yearn for you

Love only leaves me loveless
Like an empty cup filled with air
The cup is still empty
And the vacancy’s still there.

There are plenty of guys who would love to make me theirs
But I don’t want them
I cling longingly to those who would rather hurt me than love me
Who’d rather fuck her than fuck me
I search for all of the men who are just like my daddy

Don’t you know I cried for you?!
It hurt bad!
I still cry at the remembrance of a six year old CHILD who couldn’t understand why daddy wouldn’t stay
Was never there to wipe away tears
Or chase away fears
Calm bad dreams
Or hear loud screams

Daddy, you were never there to protect me and I hated you for it
For so long that hate bred solitude
And now I live alone in my despair

Who cares, right?
There’s plenty of little girls that grow up daddy-less
Plenty of single moms who have to work 2-3 jobs in order to put clothes on their kid’s backs
Plenty of strong, Black women who have to make up for where men lack

But not me…
I was supposed to be different
I was daddy’s little girl
And nothing else in the world mattered because at the end of the day, I knew that my daddy loved me

But I was wrong
As wrong then as I am now
And nothing can ever change this pain that lives inside of me
It won’t go away
It dictates how I love him
How I long for his love more than life
Need to make him fight for me, want me, promise me he’ll never leave me
…and when he does
Just because I can, I’ll blame it all on daddy.

I’m tired of blaming myself
I’m not pretty enough
Thick enough
Smart enough
Too dark
Too depressed

Unlovable

YOU made me this way
Made me feel worthless
Like I wasn’t worth the stay
Worth the fight
And I’ll be alright
I’m sure

But just one more gift before you go
Here, you can take the guilt
I don’t want it anymore.

Happy Valentine’s Day Daddy

Lifeless

First to go are the clothes
Exposing rough skin
Dry and swollen
Bruised and calloused
Cracking
Dried blood on the surface
Avoided

Skin peels back to rotting flesh
Lifeless
There’s no blood in this body
Cold
Damp
Open

Cut through flesh
Find heart
Not beating
Not dreaming
Not believing
Lifeless
Lungs breathless
No air
No deliverance
Collapsed
Eyes
Dilated
Still searching
Still desiring
Still hopeful
Still

Pick through the rubble
Find hollow bones
Fragile
Forgotten
Weak
Broken

Autopsy report reads…
Reason for death: LOVELESS. No further information is available....